Love and Laughter

Here's a sprinkling of Vannac's and my news from yoga training in Cairns..

We are considering ego. The surest way to learn about ego is to study your own. We are having some brilliant conversations about it and whilst we attempt to chip at its edges and admit what is ego out loud, the ensuing laughter seems to make parts glide right off. "Oooo, seems like I VERY ego like the MAN" says Vannac. We laugh and laugh. I talk of how I was about to point out to an individual in class that their oversized ego was upsetting me, until I concede "Ooo, seems like I very ego like the woman!"

I began thinking Vannac is very generous with his humour. He allows me to mock his ignorance and it certainly leads to lots of laughs and interesting conversations, but I realise, not only is this generous to others, it is generous to himself. His pride does not tend to block his path to learning. I also realised, allowing this to be a two-way thing could be a gift to both of us. I dropped my lesson-giving and started to learn from the present.

This was all supposed to be part of my learning curve, but I realised, It was much more than that. It was living in the present, I wasn't collecting lessons. I didn't care what we found in this new friendship. We were being kind about others, sharing stories of those we loved and laughing gently at ourselves. These two things: love and laughter, are better for the soul than anything else that I know.

And so, I started to GIVE. Vannac is good at receiving - it's his kind of giving. It allows people like me to vent and feel they are giving when they are working out how things are. So I tried his kind of giving, by receiving. I gave him my time and received his thoughts and help. I heard him when he said he was tired or bored without trying to be his teacher, or dissociating with him.

I realised that allowing someone to be their own teacher and pick their own lessons is the best kind of teaching and allowing them to be your teacher makes it an authentic kind of exchange. I also realised, that here I was, really making a friendship with someone very masculine.

Vannac is certainly in touch with his feminine side, but he is very male in a way I don't get to see very much so close up, not while I am being open. It is the first time in a while a guy has been like my equal. Normally I back off because I simply don't understand them. I don't understand how everything can be so literal for them, so simple. They are creatures from the wild. I close down and just shuffle around awkwardly seeing if I can be literal. I don't speak that language so it always feel superficial and I give up ASAP.

Vannac lets me right up close. I get irritated with myself with men because I fuss, and I feel like they have made me. Women have historically done that with me, and so, I don't have to be like that. I am in control. Here I am learning how it can be equal. I left vannac to follow me where he wanted and instead of saying if you get bored you can always meet me in a bit, I left that decision and responsibility to him. I stopped mothering. I daresay, I came a bit more masculine. It was somehow much more honest to myself.

Because I am a bit forgetful, vannac has had to stop his boy-act too. He follows me to the fridge when I carry food in case I drop it.. "I know YOU!" he jokes. I try not to take advantage though, and slip into my boy-act.

I also followed him. Now, I am NOT good at following. I didn't realise what a control freak I am. I panic that time is suddenly racing away from me.. my time on this planet, when someone else has a plan that doesn't directly benefit me somehow. When i was conscious of this, it was exhilirating to acheive such contentment, just being his friend and hanging out.

Much of what I am learning on this course is happening on the periphery. We are so immersed in asanas and philosophy 8 hours every single day. You can't help but let it spill over into everyday life even if you didn't do it consciously. I thought I was living like this in PP and I was to an extent, but here, somewhere new, you give yourself a fresh chance, because you are NEW you are kinder to yourself, like a new kid in school or a new person at work.. they are interesting, you give them the benefit of the doubt, they are mostly not threatening (well, that's how I approach new folk, or like to think I do.. i may return to this at some point...)

And so, I flourish. I let myself, I am not hard on myself if I do something a bit whacky. I am just a newbie. So my learning is accelerated and I am open. I was so tired yesterday. We do four hours NON STOP yoga in the morning where every pose was timed and we had to hold it. In the afternoon we followed chants and meditated. When your body is so worn out, you should sleep. We did meditation instead, that really wasn't what my body felt like it was asking for...

So, I didn't want to go on our arranged boat-trip that evening, I wanted to restore myself with sleep but then, it occurred to me, laughter and love are the two most restorative things I now know. The asanas teach me a lot. As does the philosophy.. and what they really teach me, is how to find my own answers. And so vannac and I went out on a boat with Renee and Stav on the course and a lovely woman living here. Their kindness and laughter was more healing than any amount of sleep.

Vannac asked me to go to internet shop.. i told him what I was doing with my day and he then tried to tell me what I was doing with it and I felt aversion, and then, I tried this revolutionary thing, and gave him my time. I said, ok. We will do it his way. I am learning the best way to teach is to teach yourself. Students choose themselves and I am learning to be a student of every person I come across. I hope I am so open-minded in PP. Habit is a stinger. Knees pain is my recurring injury. It is supposedly connected to stubbornness and pride.

By making someone your teacher, you do everyone a service. Every moment is useful even the ones that don't feel so good at the time.

I am learning from Priska, the lady we are staying with, about not hoarding. She doesn't because she trusts there is a wealth of life everywhere. That life is infinite at this moment and she is pretty much in the moment. I've tried not to hoard, but you really have to understand what lies beneath the habit to make much progress. I admire the way she commits to this belief and has studied what lies beneath.......

The latest craze, after chocolate and ego, is hugging. The three of us - that is, Vannac, Priska and I - hug a fair bit, like a family. Vannac wants to hug his parents and tell them he loves them when he goes home. They will think he is very strange, he admits, but he wants to share this "lovely western thing" he has found....