Navigating from the inside...

I looked at my blog again today, dissatisfied. I laughed at myself wanting to change it yet again. I thought of Aesops fable about the man, the boy and the donkey....

THE MAN, THE BOY AND THE DONKEY

Once a man and his son were walking to the market with their donkey. A countryman noticed that the donkey was walking alongside them and laughed, “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?!”

So the man decided to put his son on the donkey and they went on their way. A little while later they passed a group of men. One of them said, "See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides."

The man then ordered the boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women. One of them said to the other, "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along."

The man didn't know what to do at first. He thought and thought and finally decided to put his son up in front of him on the donkey.

Soon they reached the town. There too the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The man stopped and asked them what they were scoffing at. The people said, "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey?"

The man and the boy got off. They had to think of what to do all over again. At last they had an idea. They took a long pole and tied the donkey's feet to it. Then they raised the pole to their shoulders and carried the donkey upside down.

They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to the market bridge. The donkey accidentally got one of his feet loose and kicking out, caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.

In the struggle that followed, the poor donkey, with his forelegs tied together, fell over the bridge and drowned.

I want to SEEEEEEEE

I have realised there has been something marvellously misguided in my contact with the outer world. I forgive myself readily, though. It may seem so evident in words, but if you don’t know it by INSTINCT, diluting your meaning is too easy. It has to do with being an active participant in art and humanity and it has to do with letting nature, speak for itself.

Let’s take photography. I have been trying to learn to take better photos, in content and style. By content, I mean, well, meaning. Style is the way I choose to express that meaning, and in learning the technicalities of this form, I have felt, has held me back. I have been impatient. Anyway, photography is one of my interests, but until today I would never be so bold to say I was a photographer or an artist. A friend sent me a photo of two women coming out from the sea, fully clothed, hands full of sandals and fruit, like they were coming for a day-trip to planet earth from planet sea.

When I looked a bit deeper into my reaction though, I noticed there was something holding me back in claiming it was a great photo. It has been taken on a cheap, failing camera and, well, my friend had not had an idea that she wanted to share, she just captured what was there, in those women, at that moment. It was more beautiful than any photo I have ever taken. Yet, completely subconsciously, I had made a competitive weigh-up of the value of the feeling and content of the picture versus the value of the effort, 'skill' or intention of the photographer.

Here is the question then, does our concern over whether the artist intended that to be so, inhibit our appreciation of what is shown to us? Just as with people and language? Are we letting our OWN egos in the way of our appreciation of the world? I have paid money to see this art, the person better have put in some effort to show ME things? Or I am exerting myself, the other, better have done their share? Do we become passive receivers, therefore, no longer participants in the content?

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, but are we sidetracked by the artist? The teacher, not the teachings? The individual ego, not the universal?

This question has gone around and around in my head since meeting an Australian Sculptor who sculpted in stone. Sculpting in stone, isn’t quite accurate, though. I would say he sculpted OUT of stone, or even, that the stone sculpted itself. This, I think is beautiful. Allowing something to shape itself and be as beautiful as it is. My scepticism here, was, well, when you do that, though, how much of an artist IS someone? You could just pick up a rock and say it is beautiful, look, and, that is art? People will then pay you $1000 to see it.

I have begun to wonder, then, is it money that intrudes on my fundamental understanding of art? Because I do believe that the way Jeffrey expresses himself (the stone sculptor), to be from the inside out. The stone and him act simultaneously and complimentarily. He is not imposing and forcing his view on the stone. He is polishing and recognising nature’s inherent beauty, to remind us of what is there, already. For me, art is about showing something to people that perhaps they haven’t seen. It is giving them a chance to see things from a different angle, yet it is fundamentally about simplicity - unveiling what is already there.

I think you have to be very brave to take your ego out of it, and let a stone, or a photo, or a piece of writing speak for itself without leaving your mark of distinction, to show, somehow, the value to the anticipated receiver of the work, and to yourself, of your years of development; to give you the right, to go back to literally 'capture' an audience and let you speak again. A lot of things I have read about becoming an artist claim you need your fair portion of ego to drive and motivate you as an artist. Maybe they mean, to get hung in the tate gallery or to semi-officially label yourself ‘artist’ without accusations of fraud.

The photo I just received from my friend (and now, after thinking on all this, I really HAVE received it..) was the best piece of art I have seen in a long time because I let it be. So, the crucial element of art, for me, is in the receiver. It being in the eye of the beholder has become such a cliché that the meaning needs shaking free again, or changed, even. It is in the heart of the beholder. The honest, open heart. Like with people, we set out to criticise art, not receive.

For a visitor at the Tate, yes, the artist is likely to have done some conscious hard work.. to have shared a message, inspired an expectant audience, to have surprised and circumnavigated or excited their own defences, before they could do the same for their audience.

I wonder, though, if we could consider that it should be the receiver who needs to do the real work? To suspend judgement, ego and pride, and just receive what’s there. Then the magic can really begin. The trouble with this, though, is that then artists couldn’t hold their titles exclusively. Art would be free and everywhere. The word artist, would become universal, and so, otiose. It doesn’t quite fit in our illusory world of exchange. But, that is a problem for that world, not me. It shouldn’t mean I let go of my responsibility to read ‘art’ honestly, and let what is, do the talking.

Love and Laughter

Here's a sprinkling of Vannac's and my news from yoga training in Cairns..

We are considering ego. The surest way to learn about ego is to study your own. We are having some brilliant conversations about it and whilst we attempt to chip at its edges and admit what is ego out loud, the ensuing laughter seems to make parts glide right off. "Oooo, seems like I VERY ego like the MAN" says Vannac. We laugh and laugh. I talk of how I was about to point out to an individual in class that their oversized ego was upsetting me, until I concede "Ooo, seems like I very ego like the woman!"

I began thinking Vannac is very generous with his humour. He allows me to mock his ignorance and it certainly leads to lots of laughs and interesting conversations, but I realise, not only is this generous to others, it is generous to himself. His pride does not tend to block his path to learning. I also realised, allowing this to be a two-way thing could be a gift to both of us. I dropped my lesson-giving and started to learn from the present.

This was all supposed to be part of my learning curve, but I realised, It was much more than that. It was living in the present, I wasn't collecting lessons. I didn't care what we found in this new friendship. We were being kind about others, sharing stories of those we loved and laughing gently at ourselves. These two things: love and laughter, are better for the soul than anything else that I know.

And so, I started to GIVE. Vannac is good at receiving - it's his kind of giving. It allows people like me to vent and feel they are giving when they are working out how things are. So I tried his kind of giving, by receiving. I gave him my time and received his thoughts and help. I heard him when he said he was tired or bored without trying to be his teacher, or dissociating with him.

I realised that allowing someone to be their own teacher and pick their own lessons is the best kind of teaching and allowing them to be your teacher makes it an authentic kind of exchange. I also realised, that here I was, really making a friendship with someone very masculine.

Vannac is certainly in touch with his feminine side, but he is very male in a way I don't get to see very much so close up, not while I am being open. It is the first time in a while a guy has been like my equal. Normally I back off because I simply don't understand them. I don't understand how everything can be so literal for them, so simple. They are creatures from the wild. I close down and just shuffle around awkwardly seeing if I can be literal. I don't speak that language so it always feel superficial and I give up ASAP.

Vannac lets me right up close. I get irritated with myself with men because I fuss, and I feel like they have made me. Women have historically done that with me, and so, I don't have to be like that. I am in control. Here I am learning how it can be equal. I left vannac to follow me where he wanted and instead of saying if you get bored you can always meet me in a bit, I left that decision and responsibility to him. I stopped mothering. I daresay, I came a bit more masculine. It was somehow much more honest to myself.

Because I am a bit forgetful, vannac has had to stop his boy-act too. He follows me to the fridge when I carry food in case I drop it.. "I know YOU!" he jokes. I try not to take advantage though, and slip into my boy-act.

I also followed him. Now, I am NOT good at following. I didn't realise what a control freak I am. I panic that time is suddenly racing away from me.. my time on this planet, when someone else has a plan that doesn't directly benefit me somehow. When i was conscious of this, it was exhilirating to acheive such contentment, just being his friend and hanging out.

Much of what I am learning on this course is happening on the periphery. We are so immersed in asanas and philosophy 8 hours every single day. You can't help but let it spill over into everyday life even if you didn't do it consciously. I thought I was living like this in PP and I was to an extent, but here, somewhere new, you give yourself a fresh chance, because you are NEW you are kinder to yourself, like a new kid in school or a new person at work.. they are interesting, you give them the benefit of the doubt, they are mostly not threatening (well, that's how I approach new folk, or like to think I do.. i may return to this at some point...)

And so, I flourish. I let myself, I am not hard on myself if I do something a bit whacky. I am just a newbie. So my learning is accelerated and I am open. I was so tired yesterday. We do four hours NON STOP yoga in the morning where every pose was timed and we had to hold it. In the afternoon we followed chants and meditated. When your body is so worn out, you should sleep. We did meditation instead, that really wasn't what my body felt like it was asking for...

So, I didn't want to go on our arranged boat-trip that evening, I wanted to restore myself with sleep but then, it occurred to me, laughter and love are the two most restorative things I now know. The asanas teach me a lot. As does the philosophy.. and what they really teach me, is how to find my own answers. And so vannac and I went out on a boat with Renee and Stav on the course and a lovely woman living here. Their kindness and laughter was more healing than any amount of sleep.

Vannac asked me to go to internet shop.. i told him what I was doing with my day and he then tried to tell me what I was doing with it and I felt aversion, and then, I tried this revolutionary thing, and gave him my time. I said, ok. We will do it his way. I am learning the best way to teach is to teach yourself. Students choose themselves and I am learning to be a student of every person I come across. I hope I am so open-minded in PP. Habit is a stinger. Knees pain is my recurring injury. It is supposedly connected to stubbornness and pride.

By making someone your teacher, you do everyone a service. Every moment is useful even the ones that don't feel so good at the time.

I am learning from Priska, the lady we are staying with, about not hoarding. She doesn't because she trusts there is a wealth of life everywhere. That life is infinite at this moment and she is pretty much in the moment. I've tried not to hoard, but you really have to understand what lies beneath the habit to make much progress. I admire the way she commits to this belief and has studied what lies beneath.......

The latest craze, after chocolate and ego, is hugging. The three of us - that is, Vannac, Priska and I - hug a fair bit, like a family. Vannac wants to hug his parents and tell them he loves them when he goes home. They will think he is very strange, he admits, but he wants to share this "lovely western thing" he has found....